Once Lost Pt 1: Just a Tool
Updated: Oct 20, 2022
I
sweating
breathing
swimming in the sun
dizzy
whispers seem so familiar
in my
throat
but I can't say what I want to
here for me to
use
here for me to
judge
here for me to
leave
cold and ugly underneath the
skin and jewelry
wide awake at the thought
of feeling
trembling at the thought
of feeling
nothing seems to penetrate cuz I’m scared,
frightened
maybe it's just bullshit?
II
my guilt, my blame
I ain’t innocent
hostile, dismal, apathetic,
I ain’t innocent
wanna believe, wanna trust, wanna have faith
but I ain’t
innocent
head down, eyes closed
what happened?
I'm breathing, but am I whole?
I'm breathing, but am I still alive?
So young, but feel…
so long
to remember
so long treading water
so long with head down, eyes closed
what happened?
on my hands rest promises, madness, murder,
patterns stalking
Mother…may I?
Father…may I?
drink this drink I give you
sobriety centers, but spirals erode
knees burning with broken desires
compassion makes me feel ugly…
…am I dead inside?
III
something has to change
right?
too much, but not enough
IV
I can help you change
…I don't want it…
change
…I don't need it…
I can help you
I said…
it may hurt a little, but you’ll get used to it
to breathe tired moments into pleasure
to feel that I belong
to know how to
balance
relax, take my hand,
we’re on our way
down, digging through, crawling,
clearing out
feel the changes you’ve been hiding
behind
muscle memory, insecure delusions,
shadows
change
change is
coming
change will guide you,
my child,
Listen…
V
I may disappear into that
gap
again, but only if I
enter
please don’t push me in
I’m begging for a little
peace
of mind
survival claws at my throat
terror touching me in this
hopeless
fucking
hole
I may disappear into that
gap
again,
tumbling into blue
so many questions, but that
life
is a lie
so many questions, but the
dream
is a reality
listen…
rhymes tickle my mind
answers I’ve known all along
why are you running away?
how do I recognize this new
sun?
how do I separate Black
holes
from night skies?
listen…
rhymes tickle my mind
voices I’ve known all along, singing
one
familiar song
slow vibrations are imaginations of a
subjective experience
Death…
VI
negative crowns tolerate
unworthy heads, clutching
letters
as they fall down cornerstone denials, giving
lonesome ultimatums (count one through ten)
negative crowns control desperate
heads, sinking deeper into Black
holes
under night skies
sinking deeper (count one through ten)
who chooses what I
see? leaden grudges bind my
eyes (let go)
who chooses what I
see? cold oceans transform
stone (let go)
a groan, keeping faith,
a loving embrace (let go)
drained of vitality, drained of patience,
tested until fear becomes form becomes formula becomes fear
again
be patient…
patience is a tedious path, damaged and broken, held hostage by rewards
be patient…
…but there aren’t rewards to find…(be patient)
…I should run away…(be patient)
…no rewards to find…(be patient)
…run away…(be patient)
…run away…(be patient)
…run away…(be patient)
VII
comfort (it’s calling me)
patience (it’s calling me)
concession (it’s calling me)
reflection (it’s calling me)
Wide
Eyed
And
Hopeful
Wide
Eyed
And
Holding
On
(so familiar)
because…I’m not alone (I must keep reminding myself of this)
I’m not alone (I must keep reminding myself of this)
I’m not alone (I must keep reminding myself of this)
a holy gift of recognition (so familiar)
a mantra so familiar
climb out of my pitiful hole
climb out of my self-indulgence
climb out of myself and into the
source
smothering narcissism (the light shall lift you)
no longer blind (the light shall lift you)
no longer cynical (the light shall lift you)
no longer pining for what isn’t mine (the light shall lift you)
ego left behind
climb out of my pitiful hole
climb out of my self-indulgence
climb out of myself and into
comfort
patience
concession
reflection
guide me on my way